Glaring into the unknown filled me with anxiety. The unknown is something I don’t know how to deal with. I’ve had to deal with many scary things, but this, this is hard. The unknown to me feels like a warp of disaster. Some people embrace the unknown. Some people stare right back at the unknown. Some people will waltz into the unknown. But I don’t. I stagger. As I stagger my knees tremble, my palms sweat and my back shudders. I can’t help to feel that the unknown is something terrible. I have been reassured in the past that the journey the unknown takes you on is not always bad, in fact it’s sometimes good. But I can’t believe it. I won’t believe it. I won’t trust it. I have trusted the unknown in the past, and what did it do? It gave me the reassurance to never trust it again. So I say goodbye to the unknown and hello to the predictable.
Those two words broke my heart. Those two words made me feel like nothing is possible anymore. Those two words made me lonely. Those two words made my future seem bleak. Those two words made my world crumble apart. Those two words were a shock of reality. Those two words is when I lost you.
We all walk on the same earth
We all drink the same water
We all share the same soil
We all breath the same air
Yet we fight for what we think is ours, when in fact, it’s everyones.
My irrational choices
My indecisive decisions
My uncertain thoughts
My desperate answers
They all destroyed me in some form of way, but they made me.
I follow this rickety road, not knowing where I am going to. Something tells me that there will be a few bumps, but some flowers will brighten up the way. But I still feel I should just end this journey, as the unknown just feels too risky. I can not see more than five steps ahead of me. There is mist. There is fog. I do not see any flowers. When will the flowers appear? That’s what I want to know. Maybe if someone told me for sure that these flowers will appear, then just maybe, I will feel more inclined to carry on this journey. But who would know? Would any one know? Does any one know? I really do not know.
Get out. Just get out.
Believe me, I am trying.
Well…You are not trying enough.
I don’t know how to try anymore.
That is your problem.
What do I do then?
Snap out of it. Just. Snap. Out.
How do I do that?
You just snap out of it.
I don’t know how.
That is your problem.
This feels impossible.
It’s only impossible because of the way you think.
How do I change the way I think?
Well you can stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Okay. I will try.
No, you will. If not, this problem you have created, will only get bigger.
I’ve created this problem?
Yes, you have. I am not chemically imbalanced, I’m just an excuse you use for sympathy.
But the Doctor said-
The doctor said that, because he believed into your lies.
But it seemed legitimate…I had all of the symptoms.
You created the symptoms. You did this. You made yourself stuck. So just get out.
Sometimes darkness can feel inescapable. It can feel completely unbearable. However, when you fight through it, a light always appears. At first, the light may seem small, dim and useless, but if you embrace the light, you will notice, it doesn’t quite seem so helpless after all. Once that realisation kicks in, the light brights up your world. Suddenly your eyes will start to beam with optimism and gratitude, as you look at the beauty the light has revealed. That isn’t even the best part. This is: the mind becomes so occupied with beauty, it doesn’t even have the capacity to start to wonder when the darkness will come back. Suddenly everything seems important; the light makes you aware that everything doesn’t seem so bad after all, even the darkness. It all becomes worth it, just for that light.
Many people question why I regularly visit this place. Sometimes I wonder too. Sometimes I think it must be because it is quiet. I’ve always liked the quiet. The quiet allows the mind to be loud. The quiet bursts the suffocating thick bubble that is full of worries. The mind just feels free in this place. Maybe that is why I like it. Maybe that is why I am always here.
As I silently sit, staring into the deep gloomy dark, I notice something glistening. I start to wonder, if this glistening means anything. Is this glistening a symbol of optimism? Or is it showing me the vibrant present I am missing out on? Whatever it meant, it made me feel sad. The beauty of the glistening was admirable, somewhat desirable. How it can glisten in a deep gloomy dark room, made me fill up with envy, that something so bright and beautiful can retain its delicacy in such a hideous place. I wondered what it would be like to be that glistening object. I start to think, maybe if I was that glistening object, just maybe, I could turn this sickening place into somewhat pleasant. However this seems impossible. The thick, ghastly cloud that suffocates my mind would diminish anything with such beauty. Maybe that glistening object is showing me what I can never have. It’s unreachable. It’s unthinkable. It’s impossible.